Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Have a lovely day 😊
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”