@FaisalAdam_: Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be 'Officer! That's him over there'... It gave me my sprinter's physique.
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@mimicz: Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way.
@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'