Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
You Might Also Like
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.