Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting