Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true