*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
You Might Also Like
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Pretty certain I can more drunk
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Terribly Tuesday.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time