The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.