My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
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When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.