Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
That’s enough internet for the day
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now