Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.