Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.