Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.