*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You Might Also Like
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“what that mouth do?” complain
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah