*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
How do you like your Corgi?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.