* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
That was easy.
me: my friends:
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Never let them know your next move 😂
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
New mindset, who dis?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda