* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly