Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
You Might Also Like
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though