Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..