Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised