Guantanamo Bae
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From my Mom
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*