Guantanamo Bae
You Might Also Like
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.