I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
no
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare