– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
What’s a Messi?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats