Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.