Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I did not eat the cake…