Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
the battle rages on
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Tier 3 meme
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.