Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.