Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
You Might Also Like
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.