@keplyq: guard your heart, cater to no man's ego, honor your own time and your energy, don't use uber. happy 2015.
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@HughGoesThere: [first day as priest] Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife? Him: She's my daughter and this is her baptism. Me: Mazel tov.
@KtotheK39: Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Punctuality Interviewer: Weaknesses? Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE