guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
the last thing a carrot sees
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.