guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
You Might Also Like
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”