Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
You Might Also Like
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.