Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
yeah not falling for this one
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve