@andylevy: "Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States
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@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
@TravLeBlanc: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
@stockejock: I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
@tastefactory: BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn't have a hidden ponytail