Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…