Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The only equipped I am is ill.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.