Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*