Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The answer is funnier than the question
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.