“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
You Might Also Like
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”