@jwoodham: Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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@myles_morrison: It's easier to get away with stealing someone's stroller if you're dressed as a jogger.
@heatherlou_: My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that's kinda neat.
@TheTweetOfGod: My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.