Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.