Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling