Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 馃槈
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: I won鈥檛 eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
that wasn’t the question
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don鈥檛 drink too fast you鈥檒l get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
What?!?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.