There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
😂 amazing answer
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.