Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.