Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
asking santa clause for nudes
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.