Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend