Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.