Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long