@markleggett: Guess who's watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That's right: Vin Diesel.
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@Pro_Jones_: Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH
@Try2StopME: My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
@JimmerThatisAll: I just found out that blackbirds aren't afraid of squirrels and now I'm afraid of blackbirds.
@adult_keverage: Do you know what's cooler than those fake chains around your license plate? Everything. Every single thing in the world.