Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Jogging has never helped my memory.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
He a real one for that
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed