My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.