Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?