@noog: Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
@psybermonkey: [Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Mortician: next we'll cut open the chest cavity like so...
@007Rex_Inc: I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
@subtweetopath: Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.
Parents: Well that’s great!
Me: Your luggage is outside.
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: I'm pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
@david8hughes: [police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps