@noog: Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
@_Awwsomeness_: You know you're single when the only calls you get at night are Nature's.
@AaronFullerton: Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let's get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
@Bownuggets: Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
@_NinJar: I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
@ArfMeasures: *burst into doctor's office*
ME: I'm no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I've had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out