Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
💯😂
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency