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@noog: Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
@wendchymes: If my boyfriend really cared about me, he'd stop being imaginary...
@EndhooS: Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
@Breadery: Dodgeball but with random people that don't know they're playing.
@Book_Krazy: [quietly] "Always a bridesmaid never the bride"
BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids!
"Shhh...this day is about you, not me."
@ElgatoEsmio: When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?