Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
You deplete me
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer