Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city